dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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