Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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