Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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