you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
