Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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