Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
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He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
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you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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