I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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