were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
