your parents love me but you hate me
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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