I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
