chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
