you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
