dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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