Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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