i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
