I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
