I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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