just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I will pee on everything he values.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.