goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
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For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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