dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
