no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
