Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
