if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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