Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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