I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Randomize
