My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
