Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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