I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
