You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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