i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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