If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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