Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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