So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
