I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is it because I queefed?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
