This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
