mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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