the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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