Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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