I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
