A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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