I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
