Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
