Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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