I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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