did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
