I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
