i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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