just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
