Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
