I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
