Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
