good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My ass is underappreciated
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
