I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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