Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sober January is a disaster.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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