Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I need to calm my uterus...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
