Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
