I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
