we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
